Say No and Let Go
Every new year brings with it the opportunity to start fresh. Some of us have entered 2020 hoping to change careers or make a big geographical move. Some of us might want to focus on building our communication skills, nourishing our relationships, or getting better at self-care. If you're like me, your dreams for the new year – I don’t love the word "resolutions" – are fueled with an abundance of energy and enthusiasm. I often get so carried away imagining what I want to create, that I forget to pause and reflect on my experiences, accomplishments, and challenges from the previous twelve months.
Whatever your focus for this brand new year and decade, it's important to remember that to start something new, you may need to let go of something old.
Know When It's Time to Renegotiate
To fully let go, we often have to say "no." For so many women, the thought of uttering that powerful two-letter word can be incredibly triggering. We worry about what our co-workers, family members, and friends will think if we decide to "renegotiate our lives." We assume that by setting boundaries, others will see us as selfish or believe that we're shirking our responsibilities.
So, what do we do instead? We pile on projects that we know we'll never be able to finish. We rarely pause during work to recalibrate and ask for more resources because we think, "Well, I said yes to this. No going back now!" When the dust settles, we've lost credibility with our key stakeholders, and we're left feeling burned out, exhausted, and resentful.
Whether you've taken on too much professionally or personally, you absolutely can – and should – renegotiate your obligations. Here are some practical tips you can use to steel yourself against the inevitable fears that pop up when it comes time to say no.
PAUSE + BREATHE: Before you can take any steps to make a change, you have to create space in your mind for reflection. To do this, focus on your breath. Taking deep breaths will calm your nervous system so that you can think clearly about the current situation and then mindfully take action.
BUILD AWARENESS: Understanding why you have a hard time saying no is a crucial step to change that behavior. Reflect on a recent situation in which you actively or passively said yes when you wanted to say no. What limiting beliefs or emotions guided your decisions? What was the outcome? Was there an opportunity to renegotiate along the way, and if so, what kept you from taking action?
CLARIFY YOUR GOALS: When you know what you want to say yes to, it's much easier to say no. (My next post , will explore this step in greater detail.) Get clear on what you'd like to create, and how you want to feel when you achieve your goals, and it'll be much easier to renegotiate the current relationship or situation.
HAVE A CONVERSATION: This might seem obvious, and yet so many people avoid talking honestly about what isn't working. We all fear being rejected, hurting people's feelings, or coming off as arrogant. Before you go into this conversation, prepare yourself. Put aside thirty minutes to get centered and remind yourself why you need to do this.
Know When It's Time to Let Go
When you take the time to make space, clarify your goals, and center yourself, chances are good that the person you're talking to will hear your "no" and respect it. However, it's always possible that your boundary-setting will fall on deaf ears, and you'll be asked to do something that is out of alignment with one of your basic needs (see graphic below). At that point, you'll have to make a choice.
ASK YOURSELF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:
Am I sacrificing a basic need (of safety/security, or individuality/self-preservation) in favor of this relationship?
What am I letting go of by staying in this situation?
What am I willing to sacrifice for this person/job/opportunity?
When I'm really honest with myself, is this actually what I want?
These are difficult questions, and answering them requires a lot of self-awareness. (Click here to read about how I handled a request that tested my sometimes conflicting needs for individuality and relationship.) Some of us end up saying no for years before our instinct for self-preservation kicks in, and we realize our only option is to let go completely. By then, we're physically, emotionally, and spiritually spent. The key is to learn how you can course-correct so that you never get to that point.
In my next post, I'll take a deep dive into the ways that you can nourish and expand all areas of your life that are sorely in need of a great big yes!
In the meantime, if you want to design a grand plan for you, but you're not sure how to say no and let go, set up a call with me.
First published Jan 7, 2020
